Like so many others, in the midst of pandemic I’ve binged more television than I care to admit. Months of sitting in my apartment and feeling my brain rot into TV-induced oblivion eventually led to the discovery of one movie that rises above the rest when it comes to producing one of the worst war sequences in the history of cinema.
A 2018 B-movie (or F) entitled “Velocipastor” chronicles the 1970s journey of a young priest named Doug Jones, who travels to China after his parents are killed. While abroad, Jones becomes the victim of a curse that, back in America, sporadically transforms him into a dinosaur — the Velocipastor.
Rather than reject his newfound power, Jones uses it to fight crime. Get some.
Still, Jones grapples with the prospect of taking a life. So, he turns to fellow priest Father James Stewart, a Vietnam War veteran who advises Jones to put a halt to his Mesozoic-style justice. Stewart then suggests the use of an exorcism in a scene that includes a flashback to his time as a soldier in Vietnam.
It all spins out of control from there.
In the absurd flashback, Stewart appears wearing the worst imitation camouflage thrift stores can offer. Viewers then see Stewart traumatized when his friend tragically dies in his arms. That same same day, Stewart is seen writing a letter to his love interest Adeline.
Suddenly, Adeline appears out of the Vietnamese jungles and runs toward Stewart. Only, as she approaches, she trips a landmine and explodes all over her beloved. Classic Adeline.
As her remains drip from Stewart’s face, a fellow soldier approaches and says, “Another goddamn VC trip-mine.” And another soldier replies, “I don’t think we can do anything for her now, she’s too far gone.”
Too far gone? She was just turned into pudding.
Viewers are left with critical questions that go unanswered the rest of the film. First, “Why am I putting myself through the experience of sitting through this film?” Second, “Why was his girlfriend in the bush of Vietnam?”
As a result of her untimely demise, poor Stewart returns to America and dedicates himself to the priesthood, where, back in the present, he begs the dinosaur man to turn toward the light.
Unfortunately, the exorcism fails, and Stewart loses an eye when Jones transforms into the Velocipastor.
Don’t search for any deeper meaning behind the movie. You won’t find any, even according to its director Brendan Steers.
“Way back in 2010, I was trying to type Velociraptor into my phone, and it autocorrected to Veloci Pastor,” Steere told Forbes. “I was in film school at the time, at the School of Visual Arts in Manhattan, and I was like, ‘That sounds like a movie to me!’”
Much like poor, sweet Adeline, the movie is too far gone to be anything but a best bad movie. But if you are in need of killing a couple hours, watch it for free on Amazon Prime. You’ll definitely hate yourself after.
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August 27, 2020 at 04:08AM
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'Velocipastor' boasts the most cringeworthy military movie scene of all time - Military Times
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